Thursday, June 2, 2016

Grace

At this time in my Yoga practice, my intention is to ask for Grace from God.

This means getting out of my own way. Allowing the poses and the breath to be what they are and releasing the sense that I must be more than I am. Accepting me for where I am and the Journey for what it is. 
The Grace of God allows me to soften, to receive, to be kind, to be generous, not to take things personally, to love unconditionally, for a little bit anyway. Being human means forgetting, thinking I can do it all. When I forget to ask for help from Spirit, I am lost in the illusion of control.

Grace from God can lift me to a place I could not get with my will alone. 

This intention is born of a period of ptsd where even my yoga practice wasn't safe from the demons in my head. The Judge, the Perfectionist, the Lamenter, the Inner Child, the Lost Girl — the Committee raged at everything around me and ultimately at me. I learned if I am being hard on others I have been especially hard on myself so long that it's coming "out of my pores," and I need to check myself, get back to a relationship to Spirit. Most of the time I lack willingness. Even asking for willingness to be willing is a stretch often. 

One of the qualities I possess is appearing calm when I am consumed with anxiety, I can be good at public speaking for this reason. I have learned no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are and if you mess up, just keep going it's likely no one noticed anyway. Good skills to have, but when the fear consumed my life for about a year, I was practically paralyzed inside and always "faking it til I make it." Life was not pleasant and getting on the mat just made things worse. Coping was a way of life. 

I have had a loving group of supportive people who help me get through anything and that year of rawness eventually did soften. 

I do not want to have to learn from life's harder lessons to surrender. I choose to practice now, and my place of practice is on my mat and if you’ve had a good yoga teacher you know everything you do on your mat is just practice for the rest of life.

Soon, I believe I’ll be asking for God to extend Grace to me in most parts of my life. To do so requires a large amount of Trust. 

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